Upon reflecting on my last post and having some conversations about my experience with good friends, im starting to see that these sort of radical queer circles are everywhere and they don't get any more inclusive or inviting.

I do identify as queer (specifically as queer), and its easier to identify as radical sometimes, rather then explaining all of my standing beliefs and politics behind certain notions concerning the LGBTQ community as well as elsewhere. It bothers me that instead of branching out and embracing one another, some queer folks are beginning to retreat into their very own cliques and rejecting others around them. It's beginning to seem that in rejecting the divisions within the mainstream gay and lesbian movement, the queer community is forming many divisions of its own. This is not, at least to me, what being queer identified and radical is all about.

Let me quickly put in my own two cents about being queer identified and radicalism, because I certainly think that the two go hand in hand. Something that the queer identity lends to many people is the ability to not be categorized into the sexual binaries provided for us by society, which in itself is radical, seeing as we live in a culture that primarily respects us when we adhere to certain labels and stereotypes. Queer for me, is also about alternative thinking, alternative politics, and alternative presentation. Part of the reason that I identify is queer is due to my upbringing which goes against many of the conceptions behind what growing up is in our culture. Also, the roads that I am choosing to take in my life and my reasoning behind that is considerably alternative to those complying with the paths awarded to them by society, this also makes me feel more connected with a queer identity. The queer identity within itself is purely one that goes against the grain. I feel that the original objectives behind the term "queer" is becoming lost to appropriation in the mainstream LGBTQ movement, along with other terms such as "butch" and "femme".

While talking to my friend last night, she mentioned to me something that Andrea Smith said (author of The Revolution Will Not Be Funded: Beyond the Non-Profit Industrial Complex and co-founder of INCITE! Women of Color Against Violence) concerning radicalism in all forms. She said that being radical isnt about you and your friends and your beliefs and their beliefs, being radical is about you and your friends sharing those beliefs with others and including others in your beliefs. So why is it becoming more and more difficult for younger queer folks to gain access to their community?

This whole realization hits close to home for me, as I had a difficult time being accepted by my gay friends in high school after beginning to recognize my attraction to other women. Most of my friends had started coming to terms with their sexuality at young ages, my first friend coming out to me as bisexual in the 6th grade. Honestly, if it wasn't for my being surrounded by the community I was surrounded by, and being exposed to such discoveries at such a young age, im not sure that I would have unearthed my own sexuality at 16. I remember specifically sitting in the car with one friend, who had openly been attracted to other women since the 8th grade, and when I began telling her about my crush on a girl I had been spending time with, she reacted negatively. She told me the same things that many conservative parents may have told me, that it was unreal, it was a phase, that she refuses to take me seriously. After being considerably deligitimized and embarrassed, I felt as though I had somehow gone somewhere I was not invited, invaded her space and done wrong to the gay and lesbian community by "switching over". I automatically cut off communication with the girl I had feelings for, and fell into a full frontal sexual identity crisis, hooking up with the manliest males I knew at parties, and flirting endlessly with the boys in my grade, trying to somehow gain my "straightness" back. Eventually I ended my efforts, I had been rejected by the straight community and the gay community. I was unable to cross the threshold and this is when I started becoming familiar with the queer community, which embraced me with open arms.

The notion that the queer community is becoming more and more segregated and closed off scares me. Im 19, it has been only a mere two years since I finally began to feel confidant in my sexuality and find solidarity with others who were just as complex and different as I am. But as I move on to different places and new people, new social circles, it makes me nervous that I will be rejected by the queer community, that I will fail initiation, I will fail the test. Perhaps this is a insecurity of my own due to past experiences, but also has been my experience as of late, and apparently the experience of many others I know in their towns and cities.

I guess all I can do is beg the queer world to stay inviting, stay inclusive, and stay accessible, because god knows that I, and tons of other youngsters out there need it.

Last night I had a rattling experience at work. Towards the end of my 9 hour shift, I was up at the register with one of my coworkers tagging jewelery when I noticed a group of young attractive queer women walk into the store. I automatically recognized most of them, many of them have made names for themselves in Santa Fe through various showcases with a unique and popular drag burlesque troop and I looked up to many of their friends and collaborators during my high school years. As they shopped the store many of them laughed and joked with each other, there was such a sense of comradeship,understanding and recognition. My heart began to ache a little bit.

Ever since moving to Albuquerque, i've made many new friends, I hang with the bikers, the golden kids, the creators. We spend nights drinking beer on astroturf, sitting outside of shows with our bikes, because no one really has the money to afford gas anymore. We go to antique malls and make vegan cupcakes and play music and eat lightly salted edemame. I've filled my home with books and feathers and tapestries and candles and good music. We go to the hotsprings to watch the sunrise and eat cinnamon and sugar toast and work long hours bouncing around and making jokes. However, through this, through making a life for myself here, not really having much of another choice, I feel that i've lost much of the queer community and friends that I held so dear in Santa Fe.

There is something about Albuquerque that is so disjointed, kind of fragile. I've met queer folks, the ones like me, the token queer girl among all of her heterosexual friends. But we dont have a community, a meeting place, events. The people that I talk too about my issues with queer presentations, politics, marriage, the whole lot, are few, if not all currently living in other parts of the country. My ongoing insecurity about my own queer presentation has strengthened and thrives here. I've always been a feminine woman, wearing make up and keeping my hair longer, wearing dresses. Ever since moving to Albuquerque i've felt the need to validate my queerness, offhand let people know that I like women, whether its automatically talking about my past relationships or name dropping or discussing my stance on gay marriage. I dont want to be assumed as straight, I dont want to be hit on by guys at parties, I dont want the only queer girls I meet to look right past me assuming that im not interested. But there's no compromise, and im not going to change the way I dress, the way I cut my hair, the make up I wear for the sake of being recognized by the New Mexico queer community. It makes me feel a little bit sick that I do feel the need to wear pants and cut off all my hair in order to feel like I belong to something, that I belong to a community with which I identify.

When the group of queer women came up to the register, I started to feel judged. I thought to myself "Can they not read me? Should I say something?", when one of them asked me how to get to Old Town.
"Oh I dont really know, im from Santa Fe" I said.
I did know how to get to Old Town.
"Yeah, um that's where we're coming from" said another.
They all stared at me, I felt the need to do something, say something. I wanted so desperately to be recognized, to be validated. This longing is something i've never felt, it dawned upon me that there really is something missing here in my life. Something I need to change.
"So, how do you guys pick your charities?" one of them asked, refering to our charity token program.
"Oh, um, well you have to bring in proof that you're a organization or nonprofit or whatever, and um, every nine months we all vote on which ones to post..." I said, realizing that this may be my chance to chime in, "I've tried getting some up there before from Santa Fe, like The Mountain Center and like, EQNM...".
They all looked at me blankly, the one in front rolled her eyes and asked who she could actually talk to about it. I felt young and meek and idiotic and also hurt. Could they not see that I was trying to tell them something? That I was desperate for them to ask me how I knew about those places? That im from Santa Fe, I grew up there, I know the people they know, im a part of them?

They left the store and I felt angry at myself. I felt that I had tried too hard to infiltrate their space, at least that's how they made me feel. I have a lot here, I have a plentiful amount of good friends, fun people, lots to do. But I am missing something, and its something that i've failed to fully recognize until now.