Saturday, September 20, 2008

Skipped a show after hearing about people born with fetal alcohol syndrome performing tricks and groping friends of friends. Ended up in a small and simple living room of a punk house at the end of Gold St. swigging old crow and diet pepsi with a small but growing number of people. Discussed the regret behind homemade tattoos and the significance of the act, overconfidence in Obama, Erica Rand, being single in all of its glories, how life changes, the good and bad of your past jobs. Bluffed about my age, avoided kisses from people that may get me in trouble later on. Sung an aria for a handful of people. Got cuddly with someone new on hardwood floors of frigid dark abandoned rooms. They picked up the guitar and we start making music, recognizing the easy harmonies that our voices make. I like the songs they write about their ex-girlfriends, it says a lot about them, and we all know I dont have a great track record with that sort of thing. Im cold so they give me their scarf and soft leather coat, I drive them home at 4 in the morning and they want me to keep the coat, I refuse saying they'll freeze. They take it back and call me twice the next day anyway to see if I want to get coffee and help them work on their project in the coming weeks and I do. Im not quite sure where my heart is right now. So much has happened in two weeks that I dont know what to do with myself, but it feels nice, this is different and a little confusing, but lighthearted and nice.
My other wisdom tooth is coming in and the pain has been causing me to make ugly faces at strangers and then feel sort of guilty and wanting to chase after them and apologize. Lots of good things are happening right now, I cant explain it. My time and energy is coming back and I feel great. Im meeting new people that I really appreciate and care for. I pay my bills on time, im self-sufficient, I try to get to know my limits, I never drive, and I work hard. I cant quite remember when I grew up so much. It feels like every day I think to myself at least once "this is perfect, this is exactly where I need to be". It took time and tears and a lot of toughening up to get here, but everything falls into place. Trusting that notion earlier on probably would have saved me a lot of grief.
Thank god for: homemade vegan cupcakes, pop tarts, horchata ice cubes, how beautiful my street looks autumn, leaves crunching under my boots and blowing into my hair before work, shaquille o'neal, internet television, my 50 cent bicycle, choir, mountain hot tubs that force you to relax and stare at the city, wondering what kinds of things are going on down there and seeing changing neon lights whilst starting to feel overheated and lightheaded and perfectly content.

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